Women want to lose ‘ball, chain’
By Rose Panieri email@example.com August 6, 2012 4:30PM
A few folks around Joliet lost their keys.
Updated: September 8, 2012 6:05AM
Donna of Gardner wrote to me about an embarrassing situation. She didn’t want me to use her surname because she’s mortified. You see, while out shopping, she inadvertently left her purse in her shopping cart and went driving off into the sunset.
If only Donna knew just how many overworked and underpaid females have called me, frantic, about lost purses, she would feel much better.
The sheer number of lost purses makes me wonder. Perhaps on a subconscious level, women want to divest themselves of that female symbol of oppression: the purse. Think about it, a purse is a virtual symbol of female servitude.
A woman with a purse is a like a Sherpa in the Himalayas, loaded down with the supplies necessary to sustain life. She carries the purchase power of cash, credit and checks. A woman’s purse holds tissues for the teary and snotty, Swiss Army knives, first-aid supplies, plastic forks, keys, safety pins, pepper spray, emergency flares, Hershey Bars, address books and year-old receipts.
A purse is also a reminder that we females are underpaid, earning 70 cents for every dollar our male counterparts make. A dollar bill weighs less than two quarters and four nickels. Those nasty coins accumulate at the bottom of our purses, weighing us down and jingling away in mockery.
Purses are the equivalent of a ball and chain. Try running for your life with 42-pound handbag bouncing against your ribs. An adventurous life is out of the question for the bearer of the purse. You’ll sink a kayak. You’ll plunge to your death trying to skydive, and pole-vaulting is most certainly out of the question.
Daryl Crater: Hero
At any rate, it was Monday, July 23, and Donna was shopping at a grocery store in South Wilmington.
You know how it is. You push the shopping cart through aisle after aisle in a daze, barely aware of your surroundings. You’re preoccupied with life’s daily detritus, or perhaps riveted by all the “Drewhaha” in the news.
“I pushed my cart out to the parking lot with my groceries and I had my purse in the top part of the car,” she wrote. “I unloaded my groceries and got in my car and left. I live in Gardner — 2 miles away — when I got home, I couldn’t find my purse.”
Her heart was beating a tremolo in her throat as she raced back to the store.
“I have my life in that purse, three checkbooks, my wallet with about $400 in cash, driver’s license, credit cards, and who knows what else,” she said.
The idea of someone rifling through your purse is akin to a slobbering stranger nosing through your underwear drawer. It’s downright sacrilegious.
“When I got back to the store, the cashier said I have your purse - someone turned it in. I was so happy. She told me it was Daryl Crater that turned it in.”
Daryl, I don’t know you, but you’re a hero. You saved the day. We need more folks like you in this world, and that’s a fact. If you know Mr. Crater, give him a hearty slap on the back and buy him the beverage of his choice. He’s a fine man.
A bunch of found keys
Mike Stonich of Joliet found a key on a clasp that he found while bike riding Sunday, July 29, near Black Road and Addleman Street. Bob Sterioti of Bob & Sis Catering, 1358 W. Jefferson in Joliet, brought in a set of house and file cabinet keys that someone lost on their property.
An anonymous good Samaritan turned in a key ring with a Chevy key and remote and three house keys.
If you’ve lost — or found — something, call 815-773-7178 or email firstname.lastname@example.org.